VISITING A NEW AGE ASHRAM
During the past two decades, a curious phenomenon has swept this nation. Inspired by the teachings of several Master souls from
the East, an unusually large number of ashrams have made their
appearance on the scene -- spiritual retreats designed to provide
seekers of the truth with a focused environment in which to practice
their particular spiritual path.
While most people who spend time in an ashram are extremely dedicated
and sincere, there still remains a goodly number who, in their
attempt to have "an experience," miss the point completely.
Seduced by the Western notion of cause and effect, they somehow
think that spiritual attainment is related to the way they act
-- as if God were some kind of transcultural Santa Claus looking
for good little boys and girls to bring his shiny red firetrucks
to. Not surprisingly, the spirit of the law is all too often traded
for the letter -- a letter that, no matter how many stamps are
put on it, is continually returned for insufficient postage. Surrender
is replaced by submission; patience by hesitation; and humility
by timidity. Alas, in the name of finding themselves, our God-seeking
brothers and sisters have tended to lose the very thing that makes
them truly human -- their individuality.
And so, with great respect to your personal God, your Guru, your
Guru's Guru, and your favorite tax-deductible charity, I humbly
offer you the following soul-saving tips should you decide to
visit (or move into) the local ashram of your choice. Take what
you can, leave the rest, and remember -- it's not whether your
shoes are on or off, but if your heart is open...
1. DO NOT CHANGE THE WAY YOU WALK
Most visitors to a new age ashram think they have to change the
way they walk if they are truly going to have a spiritual experience.
Somehow, they believe there is a direct correlation between the
way they move their feet and the amount of "grace" or
"blessings" about to enter their lives. The "ashram
walk," is actually a not-too-distant cousin of the "museum
walk," the curious way a person slows down and shuffles knowingly,
yet humbly, past a Monet (or is it a Manet?), silently "getting"
the essence of the Masterpiece even as they move noddingly towards
that incomprehensible cubist piece in the next room. If you like,
think of the ashram walk as the complete opposite of the on-the-way-to-work-walk
or the exiting-a-disco-in-New York walk. Simply put, the ashram
walk is a way of moving that practitioners believe will attract
small deer from nearby forests -- deer that will literally walk
right up to them and eat from their hand -- more proof to anyone
in the general vicinity that they are, in fact, enlightened souls,
humble devotees, children of God, or the so-far-unacknowledged
successors to their guru's lineage.
Ideally, the ashram walk should be taken in sandals, though Reeboks
or Chinese slippers will do in a pinch. Cowboy boots are definitely
out, as are galoshes, high heels, and Chuck Taylor Converse All-Stars.
2. DO NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, SUCCUMB TO THE ASHRAM "NOD"
Closely related to the ashram walk, the ashram nod is routinely
practiced in spiritual retreats the world over. And while no one
completely comprehends it's divine origins, many believe it began
when a blissful ashram brother simply forgot the name of his roommate
on his way to the bathroom. Instead of issuing the familiar sanscrit
phrase of the week, our trend-setting friend simply tightened
his lips, looked at the ground and... well... nodded. Now, every
time you walk by someone in the ashram, you are half-expected
to flash them the nod, the non-verbal equivalent of "Hi!
I know you know, and you know I know, and you know that I know
that you know, and in my knowing, I know that I know you know,
and by so knowing, need not speak, since words are finite and
cannot express the knowingness which the two of us (being one)
share from such a knowful place. Know what I mean?"
3. DO NOT JUDGE ANYONE, INCLUDING YOURSELF
This is the hardest of all commandments to obey. Why? Because
spiritual environments not only bring out the best in people,
they also bring out the worst. And while the worst is often more
difficult to detect than the bliss of people wanting you to notice
how blissful they are, the higher you get, the easier it is to
notice -- that is, if you are looking for it. Of course, it would
be very easy to spend your entire ashram visit noticing all the
subtle ego trips going on around you. Resist this temptation with
all your might! Do not, I repeat, do not, focus on the stuff that
would make good material for this article. You have no right.
In fact, you have absolutely no idea why anyone is there, what
their motivation is, or how they will learn the kinds of lessons
you are absolutely sure they need to learn. In reality, you are
most likely seeing your own projections -- those disowned parts
of your self that you've refused to acknowledge all these years:
your spiritual groupie, your brownie point collector, your junkie
for more experience, your suburban yogi , your guilty seeker of
God, your con man, your eunuch, your Peter Pan, your resolution
maker, your ass watcher, your glutton for humble pie, your seeker
of the perfect mate, your closet fanatic, your too patient listener,
your definer of ecstasy, your flaming bullshit artist, your know-it-all,
your have-it-all, your reader of too many Shirley McLaine books,
and your spring-headed bower towards anyone with more than two
devotees. All of them are you! Every single one of them! Don't
judge them. Love them! Bring them tea! Rub their feet every chance
you get!
4. DO NOT THINK THAT THIS IS THE ONLY PLACE WHERE IT IS HAPPENING
Ashram aficionados have a marked propensity to think that the
grounds they inhabit are somehow more blessed than any place else
on earth -- that they are privy to a special command performance
by God, revealing himself in thousands of exotic ways for those
lucky enough to be there, while thousands, nay millions, of Ed
Koch-like souls are stumbling around in uncool places recently
vacated by the Power of Life so a very cosmic thing can happen
here and only here this weekend. Life, in fact, is often perceived
as so good in the ashram, that the rest of the world becomes eerily
cast as the "booby prize." Indeed, to ashram dwellers,
everything else is simply referred to as "the world,"
much like Manhattanites speak of New Jersey. In short, the ashram
comes to represent all that is good -- about God, about the Guru,
about life itself. Somehow ("and I don't know how, but you
could ask anyone who was there this weekend") flowers seem
sweeter at the ashram, the moon seems fuller, the air seems cleaner.
Even the bread tastes better. If you glimpse a shooting star at
night, it's the "guru's grace." If you see a double
rainbow, it's directly over the meditation hall.
I guess it's all in how you look at it. The same shooting star
convincing you that your guru is, in fact, the Supreme Guru, was
also seen by a plumber named "Leroy" who just happened
to be drinking a beer in between innings of the Mets game. His
conclusion? The Mets were gonna win 20 of the next 25 and bring
the pennant home to Flushing! What do the signs in the sky (or
what we perceive as signs) really mean? Isn't the whole world
our ashram? Isn't the whole universe our ashram? Isn't the real
issue one of appreciating what is happening all around us? The
flowers? The stars? The beggars asking for spare change? Flowers
aren't any sweeter at the ashram. It's our willingness to breathe
deeply and enjoy them that's different. What's stopping us from
being in this place right now? What's stopping us from realizing
that the very ground beneath our feet is the promised land --
wherever we happen to be at the time.
5. DO NOT PUT A RED DOT ON YOUR FOREHEAD IF YOU DON'T WANT
TO
Unless you've been living in a trailer park your whole life, you
probably already know what the red dot thing is all about. That's
right. The third eye. The sixth chakra. High holiness. INDIA!!
While sometimes mistaken for a beauty mark or a random bit of
watermelon, the little red dot is actually a useful reminder to
focus one's attention on the space between the eyebrows, which,
for some people, is where God lives (or if not lives, at least
vacations). Nothing wrong with that, now is there? Still, you
have to concede that the third eye isn't the only spot on the
human body that's sacred. What about the earlobes? The belly button?
The nipples? They come from God, too -- not too mention chakras
#1 - 5 and the highly under-represented center of consciousness
at the crown of the head. Sacred, every one of them! Don't you
think that, if the body is the temple of the soul, it follows
that our entire physical structure is sacred? Shouldn't we be
covered from head to toe with little red dots? And if so, why
is it that we routinely quarantine people with measles -- the
very people who have selflessly chosen to manifest disease just
to remind us to honor our body's ultimate holiness?
6. PLAY WITH THE CHILDREN
The only sentient beings free from the collective mentality of
ashram life are the children. Children visiting ashrams, in fact,
behave the same way the world over no matter what adjectives their
elders use for the unspeakable name of God. When they're hungry,
they eat. When they're tired, they sleep. They cry when they want
to, laugh for no reason, consume ice cream without guilt, and
rarely wonder why your picture of the Master is bigger, newer,
or better framed.
7. FART AT YOUR OWN RISK
If you fart, and there's no one around to hear it in the ashram,
did it happen? And if it did happen, does that mean you've been
disrespectful? Is the resident Guru able to hear you? And if he
or she is meditating, out of the country, or dead, is their guru
or their guru's guru able to hear you? And if so, so what? Will
you be reborn as a gerbil? Does the Guru fart? And if it's OK
for him or her to pass wind, why not you? OK, so it's their ashram
and you're a guest. But after all, aren't we all guests here?
Even the Guru? Who do they answer to? And if it's not the same
one you're answering to, what the hell are you doing getting up
at five in the morning and sitting cross-legged? Maybe the real
question isn't whether or not it's permissible to fart in the
ashram, but how you fart. For instance, if you're farting out
of a blatant disregard for the Master's teachings or the sincerity
of his or her followers, you might want to reconsider where you're
coming from. However, if your farting is just a random release
of gas, relax! Give yourself the benefit of the doubt. You see,
a typical visit to the ashram often quickens one's ability to
"let go" -- so what you call "farting" may,
in fact, be a timely sign of your evolving spiritual condition.
8. DO NOT THINK YOU ARE HIGHER OR LOWER THAN ANYONE ELSE
One of the favorite pastimes of people visiting a spiritual retreat
is comparing themselves to everyone else. "See the guy over
there carrying firewood? He's a very old soul -- way older than
me. Been on the path for years. And that dude laughing hysterically
in the corner? That's Shiva. Oops, he can probably see through
me, maybe I better walk around the other way."
Want to save yourself some time? Don't try to figure out how "on
the path" anybody else is. It's impossible. Stare into the
eyes all you want, watch for tell-tale signs of liberation, but
when it comes right down to it, the only conclusion you'll reach
will be your own -- one that may have absolutely nothing to do
with the anything but your own projections. Face it, how accurate
is your assessment going to be when 98 percent of humanity couldn't
tell that the "carpenter" from Galilee had something
special going for him? Indeed, it's not at all unlikely that the
beer-bellied, first-time visitor to the ashram you met this morning
at breakfast is, at this very moment, being treated like a spiritual
mongoloid by everyone who meets him (repeatedly being asked if
"this is your first time") when, in fact, the beer-bellied,
first-time visitor is actually the reincarnation of Buddha.
9. DO NOT THINK THAT YOU ARE GOING TO GET SOMETHING
Many people visit an ashram because they want to get something.
They want "clarity" or "contentment," "enlightenment"
or "grace," "blessings" or "peace of
mind." At the very least, they want their business to improve
or their marriage to be saved. Alas, they miss the point completely:
If you try to get, you will lose, left only with the sinking feeling
of having just bought $300 worth of lottery tickets only to learn
that some electrician from Staten Island just won the whole thing.
It's really very simple. You don't go to an ashram (or a Teacher,
for that matter) to get. You go to give, to let go -- to relax
your grip on the very thing that's been separating you from getting
all these years: Your grasping. Your fear. Your well-rehearsed
strategy to realize God.
10. DO NOT FEEL COMPELLED TO CHANGE YOUR NAME
OK, so your name is Joey. Ever since you were knee high to a can
of Cheese Whiz, everyone called you Joey -- as in, "Hey,
Joey, what's goin' down, bro'?" Yeah, you grew up in Brooklyn,
cut school once a week, and dated a chick named Angela with very
big boobs. Great. So, here you are at the ashram and ba-bing,
you run smack into a bunch of dudes with names like Arjuna, Govinda,
Namdev,Shanti, Krishna. "Hey," you think to yourself,
"maybe they got something I don't."
Guess what? They do. They have a spiritual name given to them
by their Guru -- names that make their mothers somewhat close-lipped
around the canasta table. And while these names are clearly given
with a purpose, the fact of the matter is -- they are irrelevant.
Do you think the people in India who have spiritual experiences
get their names changed to Eddie, Gino, Edna, or Shirley ? Hey,
what difference does it make? You are not your name -- even if
your namesake was enlightened. It doesn't matter what they call
you, when it's time to go, you're gone. The only name worth knowing
at that time is God's name -- and that, my friend, no matter how
many mantras you've memorized, can never be pronounced.....
Written by: Mitch Ditkoff, Idea Champions
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